on life & other inconveniences

I missed this bit of editing genius, but it couldn’t come at a better time. Yesterday, I felt my head was going to explode. As the year, and decade, have drawn to a close, the main thing on my mind is that something someone said to me a few years ago, about not helping new authors, may have been more right than wrong.

I don’t want to rehash the original discussion, because the person who said it has since passed on. I just remember at the time being so frustrated, that the sins of authors before us (whatever they were) could make established authors want to erect some kind of barrier, to keep newcomers at arms length.

However, something finally happened that’s brought me to one inescapable conclusion: that I never, ever should have tried to help someone. A small bit of intended advice had resulted in a huge headache, and then some. Not just for me, either. Yes, I definitely shouldn’t have said anything to them. I’ll bend over for that without protest. But the byproduct has been criticisms of other things I do that have nothing to do with this, false accusations that the history of communication I’ve saved can disprove… but nobody cares. I’m holding the bag. Like most things, it isn’t about truth anymore, it’s about a popularity contest, and one thing I’ve never been is popular.

The result is that I’m seriously thinking about pulling the plug on the Spinetingler Awards. At the very least I will be handing control over to someone else completely and having no further involvement whatsoever. I am done with awards. For myself, I have no doubts about my ability to be impartial. Honestly, as a reviewer, I don’t need to be involved with an award process to know that some people do try to kiss up. I get it all year long, in varying capacities. And I’m always suspicious of people’s motives. But beyond that, I won’t put an endorsement down on something I’m not won by, on its own terms. If I’ve had a public fight with someone I’d put some time between that incident and reviewing them, because of the risk of perception, that if the review was anything less than glowing people might question if it was biased, but I’ve given thumbs up to assholes and had DNFs written by very nice people I really like.

An opinion about a book isn’t personal.

I can shrug off that aspect of reviewing and awards. Some days, more easily than others. But what I can’t shrug off is the growing realization that I’m not helping anyone. And if I’m not, then I have to wonder if I’m doing the right thing, and that starts with whether I’m doing the right thing for myself and my family.

One thing I know for certain is that I’m done with judging. The issue for me around ending the awards completely has to do with my relationship with Spinetingler… and as the decade comes to a close perhaps it’s time to reconsider whether I should have any future involvement.

I never wanted to be one of those people that was only looking out for themselves, who popped up superficially when they wanted something and then was nowhere to be found the rest of the time and was so consumed with their own ego that they didn’t contribute anything to the community, but as the decade draws to a close I’m left with inescapable conclusions… that time can be stolen and wasted, and when you start to find it in short supply all the time you gave away becomes a source of regret.

That if people are only talking about your books because they feel like they owe you a favor or you’re the approved flavor of the month, you aren’t really earning an audience.

And we all know if you don’t take care of yourself, nobody else will.

I’m starting a new year with no book coming out, so it was supposed to be a good year for reviewing and doing more interviews. Now, I hope it’ll be a good year for reading.

Here’s to a New Year with no regrets. Happy New Year everyone.

(For an explanation of the video, go here.)

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 31st, 2009 at 11:10 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.